Uploaded and Blogged Down
It’s difficult being an internet moron. I should know. I am always amazed when all our resident Geniuses – Benn, Lani, Matt, Brandie, Joe, Missy, Jack, Ken, Erion…just to name a few…speak freely in another language that involves pings, tracking, SEO’s and a list of other words that baffle me. I am a fossil – a writer who was told I could write if I blog. Heck, I can barely type, so diving into Word Press and Flickr was about as easy for me as getting a sex change. Before my maiden voyage, I thought “blog” was a state of physical distress caused by too much salt on my margaritas. So here I am, in a world gone mad with technology and new phrases, with no translator.
There must be other morons like me out there. Hello? Are you there? Buck up and admit you are as dense as I am! On behalf of all of us internet-challenged relics, I am herein providing a vocabulary of words as we know them, so that maybe those Geniuses will understand that they must communicate to some of us through our own portal (whatever that is.) Here it is folks – straight off the Rosetta stone – Vocabulary of the Internet Clueless:
Website – Vision after 45 (Or after a Colt 45)
Tags – Fleshy outcroppings that should be lopped off
SEO – Serious Estrogen Overload (Not limited to Pamela Anderson…or Clay Aiken)
Upload – A high colonic
Download – The aftermath of too many burritos
Portal - Location of a Download
Home Page – ET phoning home
Search Engine – A drill performed by those idiots who lost that fire truck in Iowa
Twitter – PeeWee Herman on Red Bull
Flash Drive – Britney on Hollywood Blvd.
Tweet – “Sweet” – as pronounced in West Hollywood (and by Clay Aiken)
Active Rain – A serious incontinence problem
Gravatar – A super serious situation with the asphalt
Hack – The act of coughing up something the size of a gerbil.
Avitar – A VERY small aviator
IDX – The ritual of going into the Witness Protection Program – popular in Jersey
Sees-mic -Keith Richards having a flash back
Widget –A widow giving a wedgie
Ping – One of the Ling twins from Beijing – Sister to Dinguh (Think about it…)
Backtracks – Nickname for the guy who tried to cross Pacific Coast Highway and was flattened into the gravatar
Jpeg – Peg Steinberg from the Bronx
Pixels – Those little people that make Keebler cookies
Link – That guy on Mod Squad
Retweet! – John Wayne on Helium commanding his troops to turn back
Optimization – Getting through the light at Hollywood and Vine in only four tries.
Post – Paris Hilton
LinkedIn – O.J. on work detail at Lovelock Correctional Center
Meta – The chick Tevye fiddled on the roof when Golde was busy making matzo balls
Social Media – Journalists at a Mary Kay party
URL – Urinary Random Leakage – A condition caused by too many Coronas
UTube – A treatment for URL
So, all you Geniuses out there, I hope this mini-dictionary has helped you understand what we internet nubies hear when you use those words. Makes you Actively Rain in your boxers, doesn’t it? Perhaps we can have a summit and figure out how to communicate. This is for YOUR benefit as well as ours. You may want to think twice the next time you tell someone you signed up for an RSS Feed – in my town that refers to the movement to Rescue Starving Starlets…so we’ll just toss you a ham sandwich.
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This article published on Friday, August 7th, 2009 at 7:00 am | Contact the editor
Topics: Editorials, Marketing
About this Columnist (Full Profile)
I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I’ve garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer’s cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.
Email Gwen Banta
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Comments (33)
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- Real Estate Feeds:
Uploaded and Blogged Down: Don\’t be stingy with your thoughts- stop by and comment!
It’s difficult being an int.. http://bit.ly/14FV7Z - Gwen Banta:
RT @agentgenius Uploaded and Blogged Down | Real Estate Opinion MAG – AgentGenius http://bit.ly/YFQC6 – Very Funny Tech Talk
- PopREblogs.com:
Uploaded and Blogged Down: Don\’t be stingy with your thoughts- stop by and comment!
It’s difficult being an int.. http://bit.ly/14FV7Z - Rebound Management:
"Uploaded and Blogged Down | Real Estate Opinion MAG – AgentGenius" http://tinyurl.com/kqe4vu …
- Karen Goodman:
Hilarious post, new definitions for techie words. My favorite – Twitter – Pee Wee Herman on Red Bull. http://twurl.nl/cp5mtd
- Ganesha Xi:
RT @karenstl: Hilarious post, new definitions for techie words. My favorite – Twitter – Pee Wee Herman on Red Bull. http://twurl.nl/cp5mtd
- Nitron:
RT @karenstl: Hilarious post, new definitions for techie words. My favorite – Twitter – Pee Wee Herman on Red Bull. http://twurl.nl/cp5mtd
- Gwen Banta:
RT @agentgenius Uploaded and Blogged Down | Real Estate Opinion MAG – AgentGenius http://bit.ly/YFQC6 Hysterical blog re: social networking
- Real Estate HQ:
RT @agentgenius Uploaded and Blogged Down | Real Estate Opinion MAG – AgentGenius http://bit.ly/YFQC6 Hysterical.. http://bit.ly/2RJb15
- Barb Dragotta:
RT @agentgenius Uploaded and Blogged Down | Real Estate Opinion MAG – AgentGenius http://bit.ly/YFQC6
- Gwen Banta:
UPLOADED AND BLOGGED DOWN: HUMOR FOR THE COMPUTER CHALLENGED: @agentgenius Uploaded and Blogged Down http://bit.ly/1hjnQa
Benn Rosales
Conal Campbell
Elijah May
Lani Rosales
Tara Steele
Marti Trewe
Charlene Jimenez
Good God in Heaven – My “Portal” had a serious “Download” when I read your definition of “Twitter.”
I’d hate to see what you’d define “Meta Tag” as…. perhaps what Tevye bragged about later?
Navy Chief, Navy Pride
haha oh man, now you’re speaking my language! I’m sending this to the family and a few choice net clients!
OMG YOU JUST MADE ME URL MYSELF!!!! LOL
I would add an alternate entry for Flash Drive:
A drive-by showing of tuchus
This, of course, was the genesis of the DriveBuy brand you all know and love.
Here’s a tech support code word acronym. When asked an obvious question and a seeming malfuntion with software and hardware the techie responds, ” Ummm, I think we have “PICNIC” problem.
Problem
In
Chair
Not
In
Computer
I love your stuff. Cheers.
Joe, thank you so much for that helping me understand Internet Vocabulary. I’ll be sure not to hook up with Tevye if he can’t keep his face portal shut. I knew I should have pushed him off the roof when I had a chance!
It must be a burden to be a genius, Benn. What is so simple to you is a conundrum for me. My clients never complain that they don’t understand my moronic vocabulary. Of course, half of them are usually stoned…
I have a spare UTube for you, Lani. It comes in handy on long trips. (I think it was invented by Fergie of Black Eyed Peas after her unfortunate URL on stage… but don’t quote me on that
Thank you, Ian – all contributions are welcome. Maybe you can help translate for us tech-challenged dim-twits (a Twitter moron
Thanks, Ken – I’ll remember that. I’m a problem in my OWN chair, but I am sure my computer is involved in a conspiracy to take me down. Sometimes I can hear it laughing at me and whispering behind my back. I think it’s in cahoots with my Blackberry. Even my car computer is in on it. There’s a revolt going on. I have evidence that my keyboard is part of the Resistance. It’s a vicious plot. If I do not show up to blog next week, please alert someone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go take my medication…
Thanks Gwen,
I just love a good sense of humor! Hmmm, wonder what you’d get if you mixed a Twitter with a widget?
Ha, this cracked me up….a new language…like buying a house for the first time.
hey, I’m learning too.
Too funny – only because I relate. A little over two years ago, I didn’t know about uploading and linking and now, there’s more technology to learn. By the time I learn it, there will be something new. At some point, I will hang it up and go on vacation.
Hi Jim – I think the a Twitter and Widget combo would be defined as: A widow on Red Bull giving Peewee Herman a wedgie…definitely not a good visual…
Good point, Missy. Maybe I should provide the Rosetta Stone for Buyers’ interpretation of Real Estate vocabulary words. For instance – Commission: An elusive treasure believed to be hidden in the ancient kingdom of Boom, and rumored to be controlled by a vicious tribe of insane appraisers who have joined forces with a reactionary group called “Red-Faced Lenders”.
I wonder if Wikipedia thought carefully about their name, Erion. That sounds like a serious male bladder problem to me.
Don’t worry, Paula. A lot of us will already be on your vacation island, waiting for you with a tall MaiTai and a bottle of sunscreen. At the stroke of midnight we will toss all blackberries, netbooks and computers into the ocean. After a ritualistic dance around the fire, we will then collectively bemoan the fact that we cannot access GPS to find our way to the nearest pizza joint, but nonetheless, we will sleep like babies.
Love this! Will be passing it on. Thanks for making me laugh out loud!
Thank you, Debra. In my next blog I will be addressing the Social Networking pressures that are driving me MAD. I bet you’ll be able to relate. Until then – have a good week – g
Looking forward to it!
Ahhhhhhhhh, SEO! So *that* explains the outrageous behavior of Post and Flash Drive! Thank you for enlightening (and entertaining!) me.