A Day of In the Life of a Hollywood Real Estate Agent

Hollywood sign A Day of In the Life of a Hollywood Real Estate AgentSpeak Quietly – I’m Nursing a Colossal Headache.

After a reader read my rant last week, “R U Networking or NOTworking,” he sagely challenged me to try a day of face-to-face marketing. (For those of you who cannot recall what that is, it involves getting out of your chair.) Moron that I am, I accepted his challenge and headed out onto the mean streets of Los Angeles to solicit clients. This is the bizarre story I barely lived to tell:

8:00 am: I pop out of bed. (That’s early for us showbiz types.) After donning my fake designer duds I head out the door of my Hansel-and-Gretel-size overpriced house, jump into my leased Mercedes, wave to my stoned neighbor, try to back over a slow-moving kid (hey – this is L.A., not Iowa – speed or bleed!), and serpentine down Laurel Canyon with throngs of other Los Angelinos who feel that driving should never distract them from texting. Twenty minutes later, I finally arrive at Rite-Aid Drugs, which is practically walking distance to my house.

9:30 am: I run into Rite-Aid to grab a few of the props I will need for marketing: 1. Red Bull. (I do not drink caffeine because my synapses are already challenged, but I must have it visible in my car in order to look cool.) 2. Gourmet dog cookies and 3. Pepper Spray, which the somnolent salesclerk insists they don’t sell. When I tell her I am about to embark on direct marketing and ask if the store sells firearms, she threatens to call the manager. I slip out the door before the manager/actor/bartender/waiter can find me and assault me with a head shot.



Advertise at AG

Let The Games Begin!

9:45 am: Outside the store a group of people have congregated. With utmost confidence, I approach the group and hand out my business cards, offering to price their homes or answer any questions they may have, as though I am the Oracle of Re-fi. One guy asks me if I will marry him and have his demon spawn, and another turns his back on me and pees on a nearby newspaper stand.  (Apparently my pitch needs polishing.) After an old lady with a shopping cart full of broken dolls offers me a toke off her joint, I conclude that this is not my target audience and move on, making a mental note to purchase a bean bag gun.

10:00 am: I walk next door to the Griddle, a popular Hollywood hang for the industry folks. (Yes I would have driven the 50 yards to live up to the stereotype, but in this town, a parking spot is harder to get than a great review.) I chat it up with a friendly crowd who are all waiting for tables. Clever person that I am, I offer their dogs cookies whenever a furry head pops out of a gazillion dollar purse. Eventually I come out of the closet and announce that I can satisfy all their real estate needs 24-7.  That’s right, my new BFFs, I am a virtual CNN of Real Estate!

All of a sudden, the group collectively breaks into riotous laughter. A  few actually bend over, grasp their sides and guffaw. Noticing my baffled expression, someone in the crowd finally wheezes, “We’re writers and actors – mostly unemployed. We can’t afford s__t!”

“But your expensive dogs…and your Tag Heuer watches…,” I weakly protest.

“We’re dog walkers, lady, and the watches are swag from luxury parties where we host or tend bar…”

“But, but…the Prada bags…”

“Gorgeous, huh?” one coiffed guy squeals, “Isn’t mine divine? I may be unemployed, but I look HOT. Image is everything,” he intones, as though it’s a moral imperative.

Feeling a bit defeated, I slink away with my Ebay bag and my unwanted business cards, still determined to find my audience.

Fools Rush In

10:30 am: The HUB (Hollywood Unemployment Brigade) continues to laugh as I crawl into my car, which is now covered in crow crapple, and drive away. I pop a can of Red Bull and chug the evil beverage as I drive past them, just to let them know I’m hipper than I seem.

I make my way to the Santa Monica Freeway and head for a Chamber of Commerce Luncheon, confident that I will find my target group. While speeding along the freeway at a neck breaking 10 miles an hour, I manage to get two dates, one donut tossed through my window, and a Lane Four Nap.

12:00 pm: I arrive at the Sheraton refreshed and ready to hustle. By now my lips are stuck to my teeth as a result of a 7.5 Richter Scale Red Bull rush, and several people are moving back from me to keep a safe distance. I am sure I hear someone call me, “Sybil,” as I inadvertently do my impersonation of Jim Carrey in The Mask. With one perfectly manicured thumbnail,  I manage to peel my lips off my teeth and forge on.

After a quick meet and greet, we all sit down to a “healthy” luncheon that actually scares me… I’m told that the red mass on my plate is a beet, tofu and egg white quiche, but I am convinced the chef accidentally severed an appendage and bled into the egg whites. After biting down into what has to be a finger, I push aside my swill and get down to business.

How to Close a Deal With Minimal Blood Shed

I am proud as I press hands and put a personal face on my business plan, as opposed to social networking from my reclusive inner sanctum. I am amazed at the flurry of cards being tossed into the center of the table like chips in a high stakes poker game. There are cards with color, embossing, gold edging, photos, corners burned with a match for effect (seriously), and even one with a pop-up cake. (Mine is a simple little tri-fold, four color number with a hologram of me holding a sign that says I’ll Hustle My Bustle For Your Biz. If you press the bubble next to my sparkling teeth, the card plays Hooray for Hollywood! You may have noticed that I am never subtle.)

The girl across the table reads my card and suddenly stiffens. Her eyeballs dilate as her body screams, “OMG – ANOTHER AGENT!” Several more bodies at the table stiffen in rapid succession. Only one man, a judge, seems unfazed. All eyes turn to the hapless judge in hunger. He clutches his heart, shrinks in his chair, and prepares for the assault. I know it’s going to be a pissing contest that no one will win. A scarred veteran of Agent Wrestling, I forfeit the game. As I prepare to leave, Short Sale Sally, who is sitting next to me, shoves me aside and practically squeals at the thought of one less jackal on the judge’s carcass.

“Here, you can have my quiche,” I say as I leave, “And I am giving you the finger, too.”

Mea Culpa, I Havta Gulpa

4:33 pm: After another road trip home that is so long it practically requires an airdrop food mission, I drag my sorry self through the door. There, in peaceful Laurel Canyon, I kick off my shoes, change into my refugee clothing, and fire up my computer to wait for my social networking friends to check in. Gleefully, I talk to a thousand people via Twitter, Facebook and Agent Genius, and no one threatens to pee on my leg.

Slowly, carefully, I eat most of my words about the evils of social networking and admit to my war torn self that I simply must find a happy medium between FTF and KTK before I am KIA.

6:42 pm: My fingers mechanically type the following phrase: Mea Culpa, Ima Dopa.

I wear several hats: My mink fedora real estate hat belongs to Sotheby’s International Realty on the world famous Sunset Strip. I’M not world famous, but I've garnered a few Top Producer credits along the way. I also wear a coonskin writer's cap with an arrow through it, having written a few novels and screenplays and scored a few awards there, too. (The arrow was from a tasteless critic.) My sequined turban is my thespian hat for my roles on stage, and in film and television, Dahling. You can check me out in all my infamy at LinkedIn, LAhomesite.com, SherlockOfHomes, IMDB or you can shoot arrows at my head via email. I can take it.


  • http://ctflatfee.com Fred Romano

    LMFAO! This is the MOST entertaining story on AG… I was mezmorized reading it, didn’t want it to end, and laughed the entire time. Wowi you can really write, maybe you’re in the wrong business.

  • http://brandieyoung.wordpress.com Brandie Young

    Gwen
    You never fail to crack me up! If you are even slightly as charming in person as you are here, you must have people flocking to you. Perhaps the next challenge should be targeting … (not as in practice – as a fellow Californian I would never suggest such a thing)

  • http://www.brandcandid.com Ken Brand

    WOW! If I move to Hollywood can I be your assistant gofer. Sounds like you have more fun than anyone I know and I want in, even if I have to start at the sub-basement level.

    You RULE!

    Cheers.

    PS. What’s a Red Bull?

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Thank you, Fred…but if I were not in Real Estate, from where would I get all my material? Besides, this wacko business keeps me on the crazy train :)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Yes, Brandie – I need remedial work in targeting. But if I hit a bullseye, I wouldn’t meet all the bizarre characters I meet daily. Oh wait a minute – I live in Los Angeles – of course I would!

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    I’ll be waiting for you, Ken. Our first task will simply be for entertainment: The Death Tour – all the famous spots known for macabre events. This could take days. We can spend an hour on my street alone – famous for the Wonderland murders, Jim Morrison hijinks and Rocker lore. (Attention Matt Stigliano!)

    Then we visit the cemetaries – lots of characters just hanging around taking photos of graves. (I’m sure these characters will also want to take my death Tour.) The Real Estate Sales opportunities there are limited to smaller “vault-size” properties.

    Then we hit Beverly Hills. Alas, we cannot solicit business there because I cannot count in numbers that high without my abacus.

    Then we’ll hit the beaches. No business there unless you’re good at rolling joints. So we can just relax and suck up the breathtaking beauty of California.

    Oh yes – that’s why we’re all here…

    PS Red Bull is a drink with a Mule-size caffeine kick. I’m told it’s tasty, but if I even touch the label, I’ll be awake for days.

  • Matt Stigliano

    Gwen – The post was great and you always makes me feel like I’m back there again. But, the best part of this whole post is in your comments and maybe not funny to most, but to a former resident of Sherman Oaks right off of Ventura – I can relate:

    Alas, we cannot solicit business there because I cannot count in numbers that high without my abacus.

    When I went looking for houses I could never figure out how to say an address – do I really call it 1 million 250 thousand seventeen? Or am I supposed to just read the numbers one by one: one-two-five-oh-oh-one-seven? Still have trouble with anything over the thousands.

  • http://www.rerockstar.com Matt Stigliano

    PS Red Bull also contains Taurine. Next time you’re in the pet food section look at any cat food that is meant for weight loss/balance. Guess what’s a main ingredient? Yep.

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Matt, I feel so much better knowing I am not the only person with Zero Dysfunction. I drop zeros constantly because my brain counts zeros instead of seeing the number as a whole. Well, for that reason… and maybe also because I have three martinis every morning for breakfast. :)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Hmmmm…taurine in Red Bull…that certainly can’t help the problem we have with freeway freak-outs. A doctor told my musician client to lay off the stuff because it was stressing his heart more than his rocker lifestyle does. If it also causes weight loss, then that helps explain the popularity. We certainly can’t have any women running around this town that are big enough to create a shadow. If a starlet hits 100 lbs we perform social and professional euthansia.

  • http://www.pasadenacarealestatehomes.com Irina Netchaev

    Absolutely hillarious! You made my evening!!!

    Thank you!

    • http://www.granthammond.com Nashville Grant

      I second that opinion and am impressed, I’ve never seen an IMDB link in any real estate agent’s social profile before. Makes me want to buy a house from you despite my relative poorness by Cali standards. Plus, I’d get shot for driving a big Hummer out there.

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Thank you, Irina – have a wonderful weekend, and enjoy the laughter!

  • http://www.coloradospringsrealestateconnection.com Mariana

    BY FAR … the most ENTERTAINING real estate post I have EVER EVER read. I think I love you…

  • http://mlbroadcast.com Mike Price

    “…and I’m giving you the finger too” ROTFLMAO.

  • http://IndyRealEstateTalk.com Paula Henry

    Gwen – You are my absolute favorite writer; I look forward to your world renowned movie, based on your life in real estate.

    Obviously, you would be the star!

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    I think I love you back, Mariana.

  • Gwen Banta

    Mike, I’m glad you caught that that little play on words. As a reward for your sharp mind, I’ll send you the finger and you can pass it on to anyone who annoys you. We can start a Finger Chain. The last recipient can send it back to me via courier pidgeon.Then we’ll start another chain for annoying folks – this time we’ll them give them the bird. :)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Thank you, Paula. Quentin Tarantino would have to direct. I’ll probably be cast as one of the weirdest characters in the film. You can be my sidekick – the one who posts my bail and retrieves me from the asylum on weekends. Of course, as co-producers (always demand a credit), I suggest we set up a casting couch for really cute men…

  • http://IndyRealEstateTalk.com Paula Henry

    Oh the plans we could make for your free weekends. :) Don’t mind her, she’s on a weekend pass.

  • http://www.sharondelisser.com Sharon deLisser

    OMG you are delightful! I loved the article, didn’t want it to end. Hope to hear more from you soon.

  • http://www.augustalistingexpert.com/blog Joe Loomer

    Mike beat me to the finger comment – simply amazing. You rock Gwen. I find myself chuckling through the week after you kickin’ posts – the kind of chuckling to yourself that makes other people look at you and move a safe distance away….

    Navy Chief, Navy Pride

  • http://agentgenius.com Benn Rosales

    lol Gwen, love to read you, you’re what Fridays are all about!

    speed or bleed! I’m using that now!

  • http://sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ Gwen Banta

    Thank you, Sharon – you’ll hear more every week, because my brain is warped, and I always forget to take my meds. Thanks for reading!

  • http://sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ Gwen Banta

    Hi Joe – I think I write with you in mind – “If Joe would like this, it’s a winner.” However, you can’t blame me if people keep a safe distance from you – you’re as off-center as I am. But aren’t we lucky to enjoy each other’s company on the crazy train?

  • http://sherlockofhomes.blogspot.com/ Gwen Banta

    Yes, Benn – It’s the only way to drive in L.A. We rival Boston and Rome: I think I’ll print up some bumper stickers for our AG family. You can choose from one of the following: “Speed or Bleed,” “Move or Moan,” “Goose it or Lose It,” “Give Way or Pass Away,” or my personal fave, “Keep to the Right or Go Into the Light.”

  • http://agentgenius.com Benn Rosales

    ha I’ll take one of each

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  • Kim Curran

    As always Gwen you amuse me. I will not try this at home!!

  • mike rakoski

    ok-where do you find the time to read and write back to these people? Watch out for mariana.

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Sorry, Michael – I cannot respond right now – Mariana and I are at the beach having a picnic, right, Mariana? :)

  • http://www.coloradospringsrealestateconnection.com maraian

    :: nod nod wink wink
    :: Cheers!

  • http://www.atlantarealestateinfo.com/ Atlanta Real Estate

    That was awesome!

    You’re very brave. I don’t even tell people I know that I’m a RE Agent, much less run out in public and try what you did! You got the kahones!

    RM

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Hence my desire for a beanbag gun :)

  • Amanda Wernick

    THIS WAS PERFECT! I so want to hang out with you the next time you want to meet people IRL….You cracked me up!

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Come along for the ride, Amanda – but be sure to wear a helmet!

  • http://austintxhomes4sale.com Jacci

    I am glad to say I’ve never been through that. I’ve had so rough days but nothing like that.

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Well, Jacci – at least my days are never boring!

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Thank you, Grant – I’ll sell you a house, get you arrested and book you a film…all in one day. However, when you wake up, you may wonder how you got the tattoo that says “AA Prime beef.”

    • http://www.granthammond.com Nashville Grant

      As long as I still have both of my kidneys.

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    In a city full of proken promises, two kidneys will be a roll of the dice, Grant…

  • kellie young

    Thats hilarious!! I’m being a good girl and researching the pros and cons of becoming an agent.. and well, you have definitly made an impression in my book.. i wouldnt be selling in L.A., more like a town in texas, but still wondering if its somthing i would be proud of once i get my license… still not sure tho….

    • http://card.ly/laniar Lani Rosales

      Hey Kellie, you’re not alone in considering becoming an agent! We actually have a writer here at AgentGenius.com that is going through exactly what you are and you might enjoy reading his journey toward becoming licensed: http://agentgenius.com/author/michael-bertoldi/

      And you’re right, L.A. seems quite crazy, it’s not as colorful here in Texas ;)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    You’ll be VERY proud, Kellie – it’s a great profession. Remember, I am a satarist, so I have a perverse way of looking at things. I run a great business, and I wouldn’t do wnything else…unless it involves George Clooney. Come to L.A. – you’ll have more fun!

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Don’t pay any attention to Lani Rosales re: Texas, Kellie – wherever Lani is, THERE IS PLENTY OF COLOR!!!

  • http://www.BrandCandid.com Ken Brand

    Ummm, Gwen, what’s the deal. Is it true? If you use the word “satirist” as a qualifier, in front of “perverse” , then you’re not really perverse. If that’s true, I’m saved too. Hallelujah.;-)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    EXACTLY, Ken – tha’s like saying “I’m just in a good mood” when you’re drunk, remember?

  • http://www.BrandCandid.com Ken Brand

    No? I don’t remember. Remember, I said I think you slipped something into my drink and I woke up memoryless? Besides, I don’t get drunk, I just get happy.

  • http://www.BrandCandid.com Ken Brand

    PS. I’m not sure, but, commenting with you may be bathing in the shadow of ill-advised brand management?

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    An that’s why I am a satirist and not just “perverse,” Ken – thanks for proving my point!:)

  • http://www.lahomesite.com Gwen Banta

    Ken, ANYTHING with me is ill-advised LIFE management!

  • http://www.BrandCandid.com Ken Brand

    Oh. Now I get it. Good point. I see the spin-doctor difference. Thanks for your patience.

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  • http://boys-leatherjacket.com/ Stephanny Kramer

    What a day indeed!

    Liked this post :)There was never a boring line! You rule! :)

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